Sometimes it is really hard going through things without your Daddy. There are times that you don't need things fixed, just need someone to talk to. Days like today are really hard on me. I just need my Daddy to listen to me and then comfort me, like he had in the past so many times. Wish I could still talk to him. ~sigh~
Friday, August 26, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
My Journey Back to Earth
On July 12 I arrived in Colorado to be with my Daddy. It was rough getting there (see My Journey to Heaven), but I finally made it. The first week with Daddy was wonderful. We laughed and joked around, it was like we knew each other for ever. We went to the Garden of the Gods, a Greek festival, out to eat a few times and just enjoyed each others company. I was definitely in heaven.
The following week Daddy started his new job and that's when the beginning of the end started. He would come home moody and wanting to fight over every little thing. I am an emotional eater and I started shoving food in my mouth to try to comfort myself. I believe I gained over 20 pounds.
He went to empty out his storage unit with his, at the time, soon to be ex-wife when their 30 years of marriage slapped them in their faces. They went down memory lane and realized they still had feelings for each other. Not a big surprise to me, I have been telling him that he had for a while now, which he adamantly denied. They decided to try to make a go of their marriage again. He told me that we were over. He dumped me to try to be with his wife. What could I do but be supportive. I do believe in marriage and I do want Daddy to be happy. So I sat on the side lines while he began wooing her again. My heart would break every time I heard him say that he loved her over the phone, but I tried to keep a smile on my face. I searched for an inexpensive plane ticket and found one if I gave them a two week notice. So I sat in his house for 2 weeks, bored out of my skull, waiting to get back home while he wined and dined his wife.
A guy that was in my past contacted me wanting to try things again with me. As much as I wanted to focus on anything but Daddy, I knew that he would only be a rebound guy and I would end up hurting him. I would cut off my own arm before I would hurt someone like that, so I told him that we could only be friends right now. We talked on the phone and chatted online, but kept it light and friendly. My heart, mind and soul was still with Daddy.
Daddy finally told me that he still would like to be my Daddy and that made me feel a little bit better.
After dropping me off at the airport, the pain really started. No matter what he said, it would never be like it was. I would never have him all back. I could only have a part of him, not even a half of him. The trip home was almost as if the Gods didn't want me to leave. I had to go through security three times, the last time I was selected in random to be frisked and searched (that was fun... NOT). We boarded the plane and started to taxi out when they put a delay on all flights going out. So here was a crowded flight with a couple of crying babies, two kids who wouldn't shut up, another kid who said she felt like throwing up, no food nor drink, the air shut off and me hurting so bad all I wanted to do was cry. We text back and forth while I waited for my plane to finally leave for Denver. An hour later we were finally in the air. This airplane that looked and felt like it was put together with spit and glue. Now I have flown in small airplanes before, but this just didn't seem like it was going to hold together. I text Daddy, "Just in case, I love you and will miss you. May all your dreams come true. I just want you to be happy". His reply was that he felt the same way.
Finally arrived in Denver and now I had a 2 hour wait until I boarded another plane for Nashville. All I could do was think about things and what ifs. Daddy sent me a text, "It might sound strange, but I feel like I just watched my daughter leave and never knowing if or when I would ever see her again". I told him that I felt the same way about my Daddy. He said he was still here and I replied with, "It will never be the same". He agreed with a sigh. He told me that he was sad. This finally made me break down and have a small cry. I wanted to go back to him, but knew that I needed to leave. They needed their space to see if they could work without me around.
When I finally got back to my house, I discovered that my nephews had destroyed my room. They wrote all over my bedroom furniture, threw out a lot of things, broke my computer and my house was a disaster. This was not what I needed to see when I was trying very hard to be strong. I broke down and cried for hours. I felt like I had lost everything. Finally after a few hours sleep, I woke up with a new attitude. I was going to redecorate my bedroom, paint the furniture and my walls and my nephews were going to pay for all the material. At least this was going to keep my mind off of Daddy for a while. I also bought a used computer that was better then the one that I had. Thank God for Craigslist.
So this is my story. I don't know if I still have a Daddy when it comes to him. I have not contacted him, only replied to his messages which are scarce. I don't know what I am going to do except keep trying to move forward. I still break down and cry for a few. I don't think that my heart can handle another heart ache, so for now, men are on the back burner. Maybe just play partners in the future.
The following week Daddy started his new job and that's when the beginning of the end started. He would come home moody and wanting to fight over every little thing. I am an emotional eater and I started shoving food in my mouth to try to comfort myself. I believe I gained over 20 pounds.
He went to empty out his storage unit with his, at the time, soon to be ex-wife when their 30 years of marriage slapped them in their faces. They went down memory lane and realized they still had feelings for each other. Not a big surprise to me, I have been telling him that he had for a while now, which he adamantly denied. They decided to try to make a go of their marriage again. He told me that we were over. He dumped me to try to be with his wife. What could I do but be supportive. I do believe in marriage and I do want Daddy to be happy. So I sat on the side lines while he began wooing her again. My heart would break every time I heard him say that he loved her over the phone, but I tried to keep a smile on my face. I searched for an inexpensive plane ticket and found one if I gave them a two week notice. So I sat in his house for 2 weeks, bored out of my skull, waiting to get back home while he wined and dined his wife.
A guy that was in my past contacted me wanting to try things again with me. As much as I wanted to focus on anything but Daddy, I knew that he would only be a rebound guy and I would end up hurting him. I would cut off my own arm before I would hurt someone like that, so I told him that we could only be friends right now. We talked on the phone and chatted online, but kept it light and friendly. My heart, mind and soul was still with Daddy.
Daddy finally told me that he still would like to be my Daddy and that made me feel a little bit better.
After dropping me off at the airport, the pain really started. No matter what he said, it would never be like it was. I would never have him all back. I could only have a part of him, not even a half of him. The trip home was almost as if the Gods didn't want me to leave. I had to go through security three times, the last time I was selected in random to be frisked and searched (that was fun... NOT). We boarded the plane and started to taxi out when they put a delay on all flights going out. So here was a crowded flight with a couple of crying babies, two kids who wouldn't shut up, another kid who said she felt like throwing up, no food nor drink, the air shut off and me hurting so bad all I wanted to do was cry. We text back and forth while I waited for my plane to finally leave for Denver. An hour later we were finally in the air. This airplane that looked and felt like it was put together with spit and glue. Now I have flown in small airplanes before, but this just didn't seem like it was going to hold together. I text Daddy, "Just in case, I love you and will miss you. May all your dreams come true. I just want you to be happy". His reply was that he felt the same way.
Finally arrived in Denver and now I had a 2 hour wait until I boarded another plane for Nashville. All I could do was think about things and what ifs. Daddy sent me a text, "It might sound strange, but I feel like I just watched my daughter leave and never knowing if or when I would ever see her again". I told him that I felt the same way about my Daddy. He said he was still here and I replied with, "It will never be the same". He agreed with a sigh. He told me that he was sad. This finally made me break down and have a small cry. I wanted to go back to him, but knew that I needed to leave. They needed their space to see if they could work without me around.
When I finally got back to my house, I discovered that my nephews had destroyed my room. They wrote all over my bedroom furniture, threw out a lot of things, broke my computer and my house was a disaster. This was not what I needed to see when I was trying very hard to be strong. I broke down and cried for hours. I felt like I had lost everything. Finally after a few hours sleep, I woke up with a new attitude. I was going to redecorate my bedroom, paint the furniture and my walls and my nephews were going to pay for all the material. At least this was going to keep my mind off of Daddy for a while. I also bought a used computer that was better then the one that I had. Thank God for Craigslist.
So this is my story. I don't know if I still have a Daddy when it comes to him. I have not contacted him, only replied to his messages which are scarce. I don't know what I am going to do except keep trying to move forward. I still break down and cry for a few. I don't think that my heart can handle another heart ache, so for now, men are on the back burner. Maybe just play partners in the future.
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