but I hear your words.
You may not think of me,
but you invade my thoughts.
You may not see me,
but visions of you surround me.
You may not touch me,
but I feel you.
You may not love me,
but I still do.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
But I Still Do
but I hear your words.
You may not think of me,
but you invade my thoughts.
You may not see me,
but visions of you surround me.
You may not touch me,
but I feel you.
You may not love me,
but I still do.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Missing Daddy
Sometimes it is really hard going through things without your Daddy. There are times that you don't need things fixed, just need someone to talk to. Days like today are really hard on me. I just need my Daddy to listen to me and then comfort me, like he had in the past so many times. Wish I could still talk to him. ~sigh~
Thursday, August 18, 2011
My Journey Back to Earth
On July 12 I arrived in Colorado to be with my Daddy. It was rough getting there (see My Journey to Heaven), but I finally made it. The first week with Daddy was wonderful. We laughed and joked around, it was like we knew each other for ever. We went to the Garden of the Gods, a Greek festival, out to eat a few times and just enjoyed each others company. I was definitely in heaven.
The following week Daddy started his new job and that's when the beginning of the end started. He would come home moody and wanting to fight over every little thing. I am an emotional eater and I started shoving food in my mouth to try to comfort myself. I believe I gained over 20 pounds.
He went to empty out his storage unit with his, at the time, soon to be ex-wife when their 30 years of marriage slapped them in their faces. They went down memory lane and realized they still had feelings for each other. Not a big surprise to me, I have been telling him that he had for a while now, which he adamantly denied. They decided to try to make a go of their marriage again. He told me that we were over. He dumped me to try to be with his wife. What could I do but be supportive. I do believe in marriage and I do want Daddy to be happy. So I sat on the side lines while he began wooing her again. My heart would break every time I heard him say that he loved her over the phone, but I tried to keep a smile on my face. I searched for an inexpensive plane ticket and found one if I gave them a two week notice. So I sat in his house for 2 weeks, bored out of my skull, waiting to get back home while he wined and dined his wife.
A guy that was in my past contacted me wanting to try things again with me. As much as I wanted to focus on anything but Daddy, I knew that he would only be a rebound guy and I would end up hurting him. I would cut off my own arm before I would hurt someone like that, so I told him that we could only be friends right now. We talked on the phone and chatted online, but kept it light and friendly. My heart, mind and soul was still with Daddy.
Daddy finally told me that he still would like to be my Daddy and that made me feel a little bit better.
After dropping me off at the airport, the pain really started. No matter what he said, it would never be like it was. I would never have him all back. I could only have a part of him, not even a half of him. The trip home was almost as if the Gods didn't want me to leave. I had to go through security three times, the last time I was selected in random to be frisked and searched (that was fun... NOT). We boarded the plane and started to taxi out when they put a delay on all flights going out. So here was a crowded flight with a couple of crying babies, two kids who wouldn't shut up, another kid who said she felt like throwing up, no food nor drink, the air shut off and me hurting so bad all I wanted to do was cry. We text back and forth while I waited for my plane to finally leave for Denver. An hour later we were finally in the air. This airplane that looked and felt like it was put together with spit and glue. Now I have flown in small airplanes before, but this just didn't seem like it was going to hold together. I text Daddy, "Just in case, I love you and will miss you. May all your dreams come true. I just want you to be happy". His reply was that he felt the same way.
Finally arrived in Denver and now I had a 2 hour wait until I boarded another plane for Nashville. All I could do was think about things and what ifs. Daddy sent me a text, "It might sound strange, but I feel like I just watched my daughter leave and never knowing if or when I would ever see her again". I told him that I felt the same way about my Daddy. He said he was still here and I replied with, "It will never be the same". He agreed with a sigh. He told me that he was sad. This finally made me break down and have a small cry. I wanted to go back to him, but knew that I needed to leave. They needed their space to see if they could work without me around.
When I finally got back to my house, I discovered that my nephews had destroyed my room. They wrote all over my bedroom furniture, threw out a lot of things, broke my computer and my house was a disaster. This was not what I needed to see when I was trying very hard to be strong. I broke down and cried for hours. I felt like I had lost everything. Finally after a few hours sleep, I woke up with a new attitude. I was going to redecorate my bedroom, paint the furniture and my walls and my nephews were going to pay for all the material. At least this was going to keep my mind off of Daddy for a while. I also bought a used computer that was better then the one that I had. Thank God for Craigslist.
So this is my story. I don't know if I still have a Daddy when it comes to him. I have not contacted him, only replied to his messages which are scarce. I don't know what I am going to do except keep trying to move forward. I still break down and cry for a few. I don't think that my heart can handle another heart ache, so for now, men are on the back burner. Maybe just play partners in the future.
The following week Daddy started his new job and that's when the beginning of the end started. He would come home moody and wanting to fight over every little thing. I am an emotional eater and I started shoving food in my mouth to try to comfort myself. I believe I gained over 20 pounds.
He went to empty out his storage unit with his, at the time, soon to be ex-wife when their 30 years of marriage slapped them in their faces. They went down memory lane and realized they still had feelings for each other. Not a big surprise to me, I have been telling him that he had for a while now, which he adamantly denied. They decided to try to make a go of their marriage again. He told me that we were over. He dumped me to try to be with his wife. What could I do but be supportive. I do believe in marriage and I do want Daddy to be happy. So I sat on the side lines while he began wooing her again. My heart would break every time I heard him say that he loved her over the phone, but I tried to keep a smile on my face. I searched for an inexpensive plane ticket and found one if I gave them a two week notice. So I sat in his house for 2 weeks, bored out of my skull, waiting to get back home while he wined and dined his wife.
A guy that was in my past contacted me wanting to try things again with me. As much as I wanted to focus on anything but Daddy, I knew that he would only be a rebound guy and I would end up hurting him. I would cut off my own arm before I would hurt someone like that, so I told him that we could only be friends right now. We talked on the phone and chatted online, but kept it light and friendly. My heart, mind and soul was still with Daddy.
Daddy finally told me that he still would like to be my Daddy and that made me feel a little bit better.
After dropping me off at the airport, the pain really started. No matter what he said, it would never be like it was. I would never have him all back. I could only have a part of him, not even a half of him. The trip home was almost as if the Gods didn't want me to leave. I had to go through security three times, the last time I was selected in random to be frisked and searched (that was fun... NOT). We boarded the plane and started to taxi out when they put a delay on all flights going out. So here was a crowded flight with a couple of crying babies, two kids who wouldn't shut up, another kid who said she felt like throwing up, no food nor drink, the air shut off and me hurting so bad all I wanted to do was cry. We text back and forth while I waited for my plane to finally leave for Denver. An hour later we were finally in the air. This airplane that looked and felt like it was put together with spit and glue. Now I have flown in small airplanes before, but this just didn't seem like it was going to hold together. I text Daddy, "Just in case, I love you and will miss you. May all your dreams come true. I just want you to be happy". His reply was that he felt the same way.
Finally arrived in Denver and now I had a 2 hour wait until I boarded another plane for Nashville. All I could do was think about things and what ifs. Daddy sent me a text, "It might sound strange, but I feel like I just watched my daughter leave and never knowing if or when I would ever see her again". I told him that I felt the same way about my Daddy. He said he was still here and I replied with, "It will never be the same". He agreed with a sigh. He told me that he was sad. This finally made me break down and have a small cry. I wanted to go back to him, but knew that I needed to leave. They needed their space to see if they could work without me around.
When I finally got back to my house, I discovered that my nephews had destroyed my room. They wrote all over my bedroom furniture, threw out a lot of things, broke my computer and my house was a disaster. This was not what I needed to see when I was trying very hard to be strong. I broke down and cried for hours. I felt like I had lost everything. Finally after a few hours sleep, I woke up with a new attitude. I was going to redecorate my bedroom, paint the furniture and my walls and my nephews were going to pay for all the material. At least this was going to keep my mind off of Daddy for a while. I also bought a used computer that was better then the one that I had. Thank God for Craigslist.
So this is my story. I don't know if I still have a Daddy when it comes to him. I have not contacted him, only replied to his messages which are scarce. I don't know what I am going to do except keep trying to move forward. I still break down and cry for a few. I don't think that my heart can handle another heart ache, so for now, men are on the back burner. Maybe just play partners in the future.
Friday, July 15, 2011
My Journey to Heaven
On July 12th, 2011, around 3:30 p.m., sassypixie69 (I can never thank her enough) picked me up to take me and my bags stuffed with my life to the airport in Nashville to start my journey to Colorado. I haven’t flown since 1986 and A LOT of things have changed. I knew I would have to go through a security check, but I wasn’t prepared for the long lines. They only had 2 lines opened and about a million people to check. Screaming and crying kids all around me, burning up from the heat and no one to talk to. And this was just the start of my trip towards my Daddy. It was my turn and a security man said something to me that I didn’t catch. I stood still not knowing what to do, trying to get his attention to find out what he said to me. Another security man told me to step forward. When I tried to explain that the other guy said something to me that I didn’t understand, he just waved me off and told me to move forward. I finally got through the security check with very little problems, but it is only 5:00 and I still have an hour and a half before my flight. What to do now? I was carrying a bag that was pretty heavy trying to find something to occupy my mind while I waited to board the plane. I was getting tired from walking around lugging this heavy bag.
I heard the announcement for the boarding of my plane and stood in line again like sheep to the slaughter. When I got on board, I noticed that my assigned seat was in the middle of two other seats. I moved to the window seat and prayed that I wouldn’t be found out. A nice looking younger man moved toward me and began to sit down where I was supposed to sit. I asked him if he minded that I took his seat and he smiled and shook his head no. We had a nice conversation during the flight. He turned out to be a doctor, pediatric doctor to be precise, in the army. He was on leave and was going to see his parents in Denver. He had been up for about 23 hours and was sleep deprived. He was making all kinds of silly jokes about the plane crashing, the pilot being drunk and the cockpit having a dancing pole with women stripping and dancing on it. Since I had flown many times before, he wasn’t scaring me, just making me laugh. We never did exchange names, but I was glad for his company on the plane. There was no “free” food on the flight like they use to do and the only food they had, you could only purchase with a credit card. Now I had purposely withdrew all my funds available from my bank account for cash not knowing that my money wouldn’t be any good for purchasing something to eat. I hadn’t eaten since 10:30 that morning and was getting hungry. So I waited for the free peanuts that never came, instead I got a free cookie and a single glass of Dr. Pepper. Don’t ask for a second glass, they look at you like you were asking them for their first born child.
We finally arrive in Denver where I had a layover to Colorado Springs. It turned out that the flight to Colorado Springs was canceled due to the weather. We were directed to go to customer service to get our flights reassigned. I wish I would have taken a picture of how long the line was for customer service and it wasn’t moving. So there I was at the end of this LONG line, starving, needing to use the bathroom, my feet killing me and dying for a cigarette. I was almost in tears when I called Daddy, whining about all of this. He told me to calm down, find out where my luggage was, have them hold my luggage there and he was on his way to pick me up. Colorado Springs is about 77 miles from Denver. I love my Daddy sooo much. I finally grabbed someone from Frontier Airline that was passing by the long line we all were in to find about my luggage. Simple enough just go to baggage claim and request my luggage. I decided that the bathroom was my first thing to take care of before anything else. Walking about quarter of a football field lugging my heavy carry-on bag and purse, I found one. Finding myself waiting in line once again for an open stall and trying hard not to do the pee-pee dance. My feet were killing me, so I took off my shoes and tied them to my carry-on bag. After that was taking care of, my next stop was looking for something to eat. Thank God for McDonald’s. Found one right in the Denver Airport about a half of a football field. I grabbed my food, found a seat and as I ate looked around to see where I was going next. I saw two different signs to baggage claims pointing in two different directions and my feet still hurt. Another Frontier Airlines employee walked by and I politely asked for directions. She was very sweet, explaining that I must take the train to the baggage claims and the two signs were actually for the same destination, but I should take the one closest to us to save on walking (bless her heart). I took the stairs one flight down. They had an escalator to take you down another farther down, which I tried and really was sorry I did. A bit of advice, NEVER take an escalator when you are bare foot. The next flight down I used the elevator. Only had to wait a moment before the train arrived to take us to our luggage. Had to take another elevator to get to my luggage. Arriving in baggage claims, I could not find anyone to help me call for my luggage. I stood at the desk for about 10 minutes before getting inpatient. I just happened to start looking around and spotted what looked like my luggage. Setting the carry-on bag down, I noticed that one of my shoes was gone. I am so glad that they were just a cheap pair of shoes, so I untied the other shoe and threw it away. Grabbed my two large bags, my carry-on and my purse and headed for outside where I knew that I could smoke a cigarette. Settling in outside with my first cigarette in over 8 hours, trying to stay out of the rain, a man came around and asked the group of us standing outside if we were waiting for private cars to pick us up. We were informed that we needed to go to level 4 or level 6, but we were on level 5 which was ONLY for commercial pick-ups. Again, I was about to cry. Now I am normally not a crier, but this trip was getting on my last nerve. All I wanted to do was be in Daddy’s arms and every time I turned around, something was trying to keep me from being there. I was tired, my feet hurt, my hair was a mess, I was barefoot, looked a terrible and I was actually thinking about turning around and going back to Nashville. The very kind gentleman, who instructed us that we were on the wrong level, saw my pending breakdown and ran and got me a cart to carry all my bags, loaded up the cart and pointed me towards an elevator. Inside the elevator, I debated on level 4 or level 6, both were used for private pickups, I decided on level 4. Getting back outside, I phoned Daddy to tell him that I was outside, with my luggage, waiting for him and he informed me that he was 5 minutes away. About 15 minutes later Daddy called me wanting to know where I was, turned out that I picked the wrong level. Daddy was on level 6 and since it was easier for me to move up two levels then it was for Daddy to go back out of the airport and come back in on the level I was on, I hauled my luggage towards the elevator to go up to meet him. We spotted each other immediately and I fell into his arms, holding onto him for dear life. He hugged me and kissed me and hugged me again. When we finally came up for air, I looked up at him and begged him to take me home. He softly chuckled at me and said, “Of course, baby.” Looking down, Daddy spotted my bare feet, “Where’s your shoes, baby?” I tried to hold back my tears as I explained what had happened to them. He just hugged me again and told me it was okay and that I was safe. That’s all I needed to hear, I knew right then and there that I found my Daddy and he found his baby girl.
We had a nice ride back to the house were he had some wine, ham, cheese and crackers waiting for me. We talked, hugged, kissed, drank and ate for another couple of hours before we both were so tired that all we wanted to do was go to sleep in each other’s arms.
The next day Daddy made me coffee, ordered me (I just love the way he does that) into the shower and to get dressed. We went food shopping and did a few errands before back to the house to talk some more. For the next few days, Daddy showed me around town, went out to eat, redecorate the house a bit, went to the Garden of the Gods, a metaphysical store, a Greek Festival, meet a few of his friends and got to know each other better. I have never felt more loved, more understood or more at home in all my life. Daddy doesn’t try to change me, just loves for who I am, flaws and all. We laugh and joke around a lot and have a lot in common. Though he does make me do things when I am not in the mood, like getting out of the house when all I want to do is take a nap and does punish me when I am being too much of a brat, but I love him even more for pushing me into doing things and punishing me when I am bad.
I am very happy and lucky for finding the right Daddy who is perfect for me in every way. I love you Daddy.
I heard the announcement for the boarding of my plane and stood in line again like sheep to the slaughter. When I got on board, I noticed that my assigned seat was in the middle of two other seats. I moved to the window seat and prayed that I wouldn’t be found out. A nice looking younger man moved toward me and began to sit down where I was supposed to sit. I asked him if he minded that I took his seat and he smiled and shook his head no. We had a nice conversation during the flight. He turned out to be a doctor, pediatric doctor to be precise, in the army. He was on leave and was going to see his parents in Denver. He had been up for about 23 hours and was sleep deprived. He was making all kinds of silly jokes about the plane crashing, the pilot being drunk and the cockpit having a dancing pole with women stripping and dancing on it. Since I had flown many times before, he wasn’t scaring me, just making me laugh. We never did exchange names, but I was glad for his company on the plane. There was no “free” food on the flight like they use to do and the only food they had, you could only purchase with a credit card. Now I had purposely withdrew all my funds available from my bank account for cash not knowing that my money wouldn’t be any good for purchasing something to eat. I hadn’t eaten since 10:30 that morning and was getting hungry. So I waited for the free peanuts that never came, instead I got a free cookie and a single glass of Dr. Pepper. Don’t ask for a second glass, they look at you like you were asking them for their first born child.
We finally arrive in Denver where I had a layover to Colorado Springs. It turned out that the flight to Colorado Springs was canceled due to the weather. We were directed to go to customer service to get our flights reassigned. I wish I would have taken a picture of how long the line was for customer service and it wasn’t moving. So there I was at the end of this LONG line, starving, needing to use the bathroom, my feet killing me and dying for a cigarette. I was almost in tears when I called Daddy, whining about all of this. He told me to calm down, find out where my luggage was, have them hold my luggage there and he was on his way to pick me up. Colorado Springs is about 77 miles from Denver. I love my Daddy sooo much. I finally grabbed someone from Frontier Airline that was passing by the long line we all were in to find about my luggage. Simple enough just go to baggage claim and request my luggage. I decided that the bathroom was my first thing to take care of before anything else. Walking about quarter of a football field lugging my heavy carry-on bag and purse, I found one. Finding myself waiting in line once again for an open stall and trying hard not to do the pee-pee dance. My feet were killing me, so I took off my shoes and tied them to my carry-on bag. After that was taking care of, my next stop was looking for something to eat. Thank God for McDonald’s. Found one right in the Denver Airport about a half of a football field. I grabbed my food, found a seat and as I ate looked around to see where I was going next. I saw two different signs to baggage claims pointing in two different directions and my feet still hurt. Another Frontier Airlines employee walked by and I politely asked for directions. She was very sweet, explaining that I must take the train to the baggage claims and the two signs were actually for the same destination, but I should take the one closest to us to save on walking (bless her heart). I took the stairs one flight down. They had an escalator to take you down another farther down, which I tried and really was sorry I did. A bit of advice, NEVER take an escalator when you are bare foot. The next flight down I used the elevator. Only had to wait a moment before the train arrived to take us to our luggage. Had to take another elevator to get to my luggage. Arriving in baggage claims, I could not find anyone to help me call for my luggage. I stood at the desk for about 10 minutes before getting inpatient. I just happened to start looking around and spotted what looked like my luggage. Setting the carry-on bag down, I noticed that one of my shoes was gone. I am so glad that they were just a cheap pair of shoes, so I untied the other shoe and threw it away. Grabbed my two large bags, my carry-on and my purse and headed for outside where I knew that I could smoke a cigarette. Settling in outside with my first cigarette in over 8 hours, trying to stay out of the rain, a man came around and asked the group of us standing outside if we were waiting for private cars to pick us up. We were informed that we needed to go to level 4 or level 6, but we were on level 5 which was ONLY for commercial pick-ups. Again, I was about to cry. Now I am normally not a crier, but this trip was getting on my last nerve. All I wanted to do was be in Daddy’s arms and every time I turned around, something was trying to keep me from being there. I was tired, my feet hurt, my hair was a mess, I was barefoot, looked a terrible and I was actually thinking about turning around and going back to Nashville. The very kind gentleman, who instructed us that we were on the wrong level, saw my pending breakdown and ran and got me a cart to carry all my bags, loaded up the cart and pointed me towards an elevator. Inside the elevator, I debated on level 4 or level 6, both were used for private pickups, I decided on level 4. Getting back outside, I phoned Daddy to tell him that I was outside, with my luggage, waiting for him and he informed me that he was 5 minutes away. About 15 minutes later Daddy called me wanting to know where I was, turned out that I picked the wrong level. Daddy was on level 6 and since it was easier for me to move up two levels then it was for Daddy to go back out of the airport and come back in on the level I was on, I hauled my luggage towards the elevator to go up to meet him. We spotted each other immediately and I fell into his arms, holding onto him for dear life. He hugged me and kissed me and hugged me again. When we finally came up for air, I looked up at him and begged him to take me home. He softly chuckled at me and said, “Of course, baby.” Looking down, Daddy spotted my bare feet, “Where’s your shoes, baby?” I tried to hold back my tears as I explained what had happened to them. He just hugged me again and told me it was okay and that I was safe. That’s all I needed to hear, I knew right then and there that I found my Daddy and he found his baby girl.
We had a nice ride back to the house were he had some wine, ham, cheese and crackers waiting for me. We talked, hugged, kissed, drank and ate for another couple of hours before we both were so tired that all we wanted to do was go to sleep in each other’s arms.
The next day Daddy made me coffee, ordered me (I just love the way he does that) into the shower and to get dressed. We went food shopping and did a few errands before back to the house to talk some more. For the next few days, Daddy showed me around town, went out to eat, redecorate the house a bit, went to the Garden of the Gods, a metaphysical store, a Greek Festival, meet a few of his friends and got to know each other better. I have never felt more loved, more understood or more at home in all my life. Daddy doesn’t try to change me, just loves for who I am, flaws and all. We laugh and joke around a lot and have a lot in common. Though he does make me do things when I am not in the mood, like getting out of the house when all I want to do is take a nap and does punish me when I am being too much of a brat, but I love him even more for pushing me into doing things and punishing me when I am bad.
I am very happy and lucky for finding the right Daddy who is perfect for me in every way. I love you Daddy.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Just a quick note.
In just 19 days, i will be in the arms of the one I love. Daddy_Beast and i finally set a date for when i am moving to Colorado. July 12th is that day. I have so much to do before then, yet I can't wait. I am so happy. ~huge smiles~
In just 19 days, i will be in the arms of the one I love. Daddy_Beast and i finally set a date for when i am moving to Colorado. July 12th is that day. I have so much to do before then, yet I can't wait. I am so happy. ~huge smiles~
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Daddy_Beast just bought my non refundable ticket. No turning back now. ~smiles~
Can't wait!!!!
Can't wait!!!!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
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